Zephyr Delahunt's Simplified Critic Series Issue 2: The movie Critic

Ok, here is the latest in the Zephyr Delahunt Simplified Critic Series (the first was Zephyr Delahunt's Elements of Style). Here we have the simplified movie plot story board.

A few things to note before you look at The Critic's Cheat Sheet:

-You will notice I didn't put in either Thriller/Horror or Romantic Comedy as genres. This is for several reasons. For Thriller/Horror, it's because they suck and should never be made or seen. For "Romantic Comedy" it's because 1. no one knows what it is, 2. movies labeled "romantic comedy" are invariably like the 2004 presidential election: i.e. a 49% vs 51% split of bad comedy vs. sappy romance (take your pick which percent is which...), and 3. It's not really a genre, just a crappy label for crappy movies. [I was going to make a bad joke here about menapousel house wives, but I restrained myself. Aren't you proud of me?]

-The squares in my Critic's Cheat Sheet are the "must have" plot points. Some variation is allowable within this structure AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN WITHIN THE COLOR CODED GENRE AREAS. Movies that mix and match across color boundries are called "Indie Movies" and generally suck. For instance, mixing frames often results in plots like this: Hero and Damsel meet when hero knocks drink down Damsel's front in comically hilarious fashion, helpless Damsel (with extra large breasts) kidnapped by evil genious, "I need a HERO!!", with the denouement being a dinner party full of subtley veiled sexuel...err...*social* inuendo. Enough said I think. Just stick to the color coded areas.



I don't see why directors make such a huge fuss about storyboarding the plot. All they have to do is pick a color then fill in between my squares with more shots of tits. After this I should get royalties from every movie made since the director is working off my groundbreaking and critical research. If you don't see me in the credits, please contact my attornies.